Have I been Lost without Lost

Have I been lost without Lost? A love letter…

by Dean Crawford


Oh Lost. Lost, Lost, Lost. You’ve been gone a long time old girl and I have missed you so much. 10 months and counting, in fact. At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side. I kept thinking to myself, “have I been lost without you?”. For five years we had been seeing each other on and off. Our relationship was eventful and intense. Even though we would spend a great deal of time together, you were always a complete mystery to me. Just when I thought I had you figured all out, you would flip our relationship on it’s head and keep me guessing.

Every year, like clockwork, you would leave me. But I didn’t mind as each time I knew you would come back. You always came back. But this last time you ended with me rather abruptly, and some would say rather unfairly. You just left me in a confused haze with so many unanswered questions. You would come to see me at all crazy times and wasn’t quite sure who you were supposed to be. You would constantly try to reinvent yourself and change your style. Were you this retro 70s chick, or were you from the here and now? You just couldn’t make up your mind so you left to decide once and for all who you really were. But sadly, this left me alone. I was all by myself and all I could do was think about our relationship. About specific incidents and how early on you would tell me one thing, but would actually mean something else. I constantly worried that on certain occasions you made me promises and laid the foundations and rules of our relationship, only for years later to pretend that never happened or you really meant something else. I wondered why I ever even started with you in the first place when you were clearly never going to live up to the expectations that I had for you. I now think you were making everything up as you went along just to keep me interested. You never really had any goals, nor had any ideas our relationship would lead us.

This last break up was the worst. I truly hated the way we finished. I thought we were heading in the same direction, but then you revealed a piece of your past to me that was going to affect our future and I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it one bit. But as ever, you presumed that I would just come running back. But a lot has changed since you’ve been gone my love. I have moved on. My Auntie, B.B.C, introduced me to somebody new, and her name was The Wire. I had heard a lot about her, and she seemed too good to be true. I mean, sure, I’d had a lot of quality partners in the past. The Sopranos were a tough bunch. At times things could get a little X-Rated and violent, but we always had a good time. It was my first relationship where I really felt like an adult. Then came 24, but she just ended up being a string of one-night stands. The intensity was too much too handle at times, but when we were together it was always fun. I’m not even sure what she is up to now anyway. I know she moved from L.A, to Washington. Last I heard she was in New York. Then there was Smallville who made me feel like a teenager again. But in the end, I found myself growing up and she wasn’t growing up with me so I had to leave. They were all great in their own special ways, so I didn’t see the point in emotionally investing myself in someone new so soon after my break up with you, Lost.

I spent a long time thinking about it, and eventually I decided to take Auntie’s advice to believe all the hype, bite the bullet and start another relationship. Even if it didn’t work out, I knew The Wire was only in England for an intensive short stay and would be leaving by the end of the autumn. When we went out on our first few dates I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Lost. Even though we were no longer together, I still felt like I was cheating on you. If the truth be told, I think I was only seeing The Wire to get over you. I didn’t want to get too involved so I was extremely cautious at the start, wary not to be taken for a fool. But with The Wire, something felt different.

At first, I didn’t see what all the fuss was about. I felt like I had made a mistake and wasted my time getting involved with someone else so soon. Sure, she was intelligent, witty, funny and the like. But it just felt like something was missing. However, as the seasons passed something began to change. The Wire was intelligent and started treating me like an adult. The Wire didn’t keep repeating itself in an effort to keep my attention. There were no flashy gimmicks, no tricks. Nothing was drawn out. Everything felt fresh and vibrant. The Wire would just be herself and if I liked it, great. If not, tough. We would see each other three or four times a week but The Wire really took it’s time with me. It really got to know me and I know her. No longer was I being brought to the brink on every date, only to be teased into an anti climax and told to wait until the next date. She wouldn’t leave me hanging over the proverbial cliff. She respected me as a person, and respected my intelligence and this made me want to see her even more. The Wire was incredibly complex and complicated, and once I had figured her out, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. We would have some real in depth conversations and I really had to pay attention to her. There was no filler on our dates. Everything she said was for a reason. So we took things slowly at first and gradually we picked up the pace until we really got in our groove and eventually we reached a wholly satisfying, full on climax. Was the hype justified? You bet it was. I had never been with anyone like The Wire before. And just like that, after 5 months, The Wire was gone. It cut like a knife, but she was out of my life. However, I had the time of my life, and I owed it all to The Wire. Lost, you were the last thing on my mind. I felt free. Grown up. Mature. I could finally think about making a new start.

But now you’re back from outer space. I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face. I should have changed that stupid lock! I should have made you leave your key if I had known for just one second you would be back to bother me. I’ve decided that I’m not going to get involved with you anymore. I’ve grown up and don’t need a tease like you in my life. Go on. GO! Get out of here!

Ok, Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Don’t go! Don’t walk out that door. I know I’m crazy for thinking this, but maybe, just maybe this time will be different. Maybe you were just making it seem like you were B.S’ing your way through our relationship. Maybe you do really have an answer for all those little mysteries you introduced me too. Maybe this time you will quit playing games with my heart. Maybe it was my fault for reading into things you said a little too much. Maybe, just when I thought our chance had past you’d gone and save the best for last. Yes, that’s it! Let’s let nature decide and try for one more season. Come on Baby, one more time! Maybe then you will give me all the answers I need to fully understand you and it will be true love after all.

How about we meet up on Tuesday? Say 9pm? Or if you’d prefer, we could do England? Next Sunday at the same time? Yes? Great! Oh, Lost. How I’ve missed you so. You’re just too good to be true. I can’t take my eyes off of you. Oh, I’m just so excited and I just can’t hide it. I know this may sound like a bit of a cliché, but I really have been lost without you.

Let’s get it on…